May 6th, 2013

That was Then – Love

LOVE3I remember sitting just like the girl in that picture. I remember as a child thinking one day I’d be a famous writer and travel the world, see all the things the world had to offer.

And I remember the day that all changed. I would like to say it was the night I was first molested, but in reality I think it was the night Operation Desert Storm launched. The night I realized the world wasn’t pretty and perfect everywhere. The night I learned my friends parents, brothers and sisters were going off to war.

At the time I didn’t even know what that meant, until some of them didn’t come home. I don’t know if any Canadian Soldiers died during that war but I know plenty of moms and dads who left husbands and wives, but did not return to their homes, at least not as husbands and wives.

That was when I realized that love cannot and does not conquer everything. It would be too much to ask, too much to hope that love can beat out any problem, can fix any hurt. It doesn’t not always.

Tonight I ended something with a very kind and wonderful man. Not because he was bad, but because he just wasn’t…I don’t even know. Maybe it isn’t him at all. Maybe it’s Me.

My friend keeps telling me I need to stop going for the douchebags,  but I don’t think thats the problem.

I think the problem is that I go for the douchebags because I know it isn’t going to work, I expect it to fail because there is as I have always said, comfort in the darkness. Not too long ago I said I was not ready nor did I want a relationship and I stand by that statement, on both counts.

I don’t know how to be a girlfriend, I’ve never had to be before. I’ve always just been the cook, the house cleaner, the child minder, the nurse. Never the lover, the girlfriend or wife. I wonder if there is a secret school girls go to learn these things that I as a woman missed out on, because I just do not know how.

It is strange really, that with all my sexual experience I have no knowledge of how to be a woman. My friend B said that your thirties are for regretting the mistakes of your twenties, My friend Chino however said that her thirties were how she learned to understand herself as a woman.

I hope thats true. That I can understand myself as a woman because I am thirty years old and I still do not know what I want who I want or how to get it.

When it comes to skin and bones, basically I am flying by ear, if it feels good do it. When it comes to relationships I’m like a sixteen year old virgin, staring up having no idea what the big scary man wants from me and what it is I am supposed to give him.

I know that I missed out a lot due to my hiatus as a victim and all that, but really at what point do I get to skip forward to the fun stuff? I’m emotionally tired and I need a vacation. The reason I haven’t been writing is because I have been using RFV to share my thoughts lately, so my dream of becoming a famous writer is on hold. I can deal with that.

My dream of learning to love myself however? that is very much still in play, I just don’t know how to go about it. I don’t know what I am supposed to do. Which is ironic really when you think about it, I spend such a great deal of time telling everyone else how to deal with their problems, and yet me? pfft.

The ironic thing is that a friend is having romantic troubles of her own, so far the only thing I have been able to tell her is “follow your heart”.  I say it but I am not certain I entirely believe that advice.

My heart beats, its there I know it is because I am still alive, and yet I feel nothing, sometimes I laugh, sometimes I cry but mostly I just feel nothing.

Mostly I sit at my screen silently screaming “get me out of here” working my ass off to make that happen. I’m like the hamster spinning on the wheel, moving every day going as fast as I can but still not getting anywhere, sometimes I don’t move at all, like whalley the dog I just sit and stare at the walls feeling trapped. Feeling guilty for feeling trapped, feeling angry at feeling guilty for feeling trapped.

Chris Evans could get her at any time and make this process go by a whole lot faster. Just Sayin.

Syn

Share Button

Posted in What?, wisdom, women | No Comments »

Tags: , , , , , , , ,
April 17th, 2013

Oh Baby

So today I saw more action then I have since I was about twenty three…maybe twenty-six I don’t remember.

For those of you who don’t know what I am talking about I had a physical today…women you all know where I am headed with this. Yeup bit the bullet and got it done.

I had a full description but enough to say I now have to have more blood tests, go on a diet and have a running EKG test. -.- Awesome

 

S

Share Button

Posted in hope | No Comments »

April 9th, 2013

Ecco

192998_1161695118_largeIn Greek mythology Echo was a wood nymph who loved a youth by the name of Narcissus. He was a beautiful creature loved by many but Narcissus loved no one. He enjoyed attention, praise and envy. In Narcissus’ eyes nobody matched him and as such he considered none were worthy of him.

Echo’s passion for Narcissus was equaled only by her passion for talking as she always had to have the last word. One day she enabled the escape of the goddess Juno’s adulterous husband by engaging Juno in conversation. On finding out Echo’s treachery Juno cursed Echo by removing her voice with the exception that she could only speak that which was spoken to her.

Echo often waited in the woods to see Narcissus hoping for a chance to be noticed. One day as she lingered in the bushes he heard her footsteps and called out “Who’s here?” Echo replied “Here!” Narcissus called again “Come”, Echo replied “Come!”. Narcissus called once more “Why do you shun me?… Let us join one another.” Echo was overjoyed that Narcissus had asked her to join him. She longed to tell him who she was and of all the love she had for him in her heart but she could not speak. She ran towards him and threw herself upon him.

Narcissus became angry “Hands off! I would rather die than you should have me!” and threw Echo to the ground. Echo left the woods a ruin, her heart broken. Ashamed she ran away to live in the mountains yearning for a love that would never be returned. The grief killed her. Her body became one with the mountain stone. All that remained was her voice which replied in kind when others spoke.

Narcissus continued to attract many nymphs all of whom he briefly entertained before scorning and refusing them. The gods grew tired of his behaviour and cursed Narcissus. They wanted him to know what it felt like to love and never be loved. They made it so there was only one whom he would love, someone who was not real and could never love him back.

One day whilst out enjoying the sunshine Narcissus came upon a pool of water. As he gazed into it he caught a glimpse of what he thought was a beautiful water spirit. He did not recognise his own reflection and was immediately enamoured. Narcissus bent down his head to kiss the vision. As he did so the reflection mimicked his actions. Taking this as a sign of reciprocation Narcissus reached into the pool to draw the water spirit to him. The water displaced and the vision was gone. He panicked, where had his love gone? When the water became calm the water spirit returned. “Why, beautiful being, do you shun me? Surely my face is not one to repel you. The nymphs love me, and you yourself look not indifferent upon me. When I stretch forth my arms you do the same; and you smile upon me and answer my beckonings with the like.” Again he reached out and again his love disappeared. Frightened to touch the water Narcissus lay still by the pool gazing in to the eyes of his vision.

He cried in frustration. As he did so Echo also cried. He did not move, he did not eat or drink, he only suffered. As he pined he became gaunt loosing his beauty. The nymphs that loved him pleaded with him to come away from the pool. As they did so Echo also pleaded with him. He was transfixed; he wanted to stay there forever. Narcissus like Echo died with grief. His body disappeared and where his body once lay a flower grew in it’s place. The nymphs mourned his death and as they mourned Echo also mourned.

Today I am learning that I have to let go of some things, and some people that I love and adore and care about very much. Not because they have done me wrong, or because they are awful people. I have to let them go because for all these years that I thought I was searching for love. In reality what I was doing was convincing that love and sex are exactly the same thing. In the last three days I have been an emotional wreck, because I am starting to unwillingly pull back more and more layers of myself. I am taking this deep long hard look at myself and not really liking what I see.

My fear of turning 30 does not stem from what I have not done or seen or built, but instead what I have done, to myself emotionally and spiritually.

I met this man recently, much older than myself and without realizing it I found a kindred spirit. Without planning to I started to take a long hard look at him and the kind of woman he deserves and I realized that I very much wanted to be that woman. I very much wanted to be the woman he held at night, and kissed in the morning, and I realized I was more scared than I have ever been before.

I am not certain that I can be that woman, not yet maybe not ever. What I do know is that like Ecco until I learn to stop talking, to be silent, to look at what I am doing to myself, to my life, until I learn to love myself first I can never truly let a man love me.

Over the last 30 years I have been burned, held over a roof and raped so many times I cannot count, and every time I think the puzzle of Ohna is almost complete I look further and realize there is more to the puzzle.

Right now my focus is on trying to love myself without sex. I haven’t had sex with a man in two years, but masturbation and cybersex are two things I have never lived without even phone sex with good friends or the occasional fondling with a good buddy.

All my life I used my vagina to feel good about myself, as long as men wanted to sleep with me then I mattered, then I belonged.  I have always heard the phrase “look within before you look without” I have not ever done that because looking within means dealing with shit that is scary and rough to get past.

When a man tells me I am beautiful I suddenly turn away my walls go up. Every man I have ever been with has told me that I am beautiful, I am only beautiful while they are inside of me. When that part is over they cannot wait to rush away.

Not too long ago, I stopped looking at myself, I let myself believe that I was not worth fighting for, that I was not worth loving because that is what was told to me. I felt that I had been slapped when I heard that. No one had ever said something so awful to me before, and while I know the intent to hurt was not meant, and the way I took it not intended, it hurt none the less. Now I have to do some more work and go back to square one. Take the time to remove the walls a little more and remember that was 1 person’s way of lashing out because……he chose to lash out.

I hope that I get through this okay because for the first time in my life I am really afraid about what I am about to pull out of my own personal Pandora’s Box. Here’s to the next phase of my life.

Syn

Share Button

Posted in Angels, child abuse, Friendship | No Comments »

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
April 6th, 2013

Being Alone isn’t so bad

Puzzle Piece-Cindy06For the first time in I am not sure how long I realize that being “alone” is not the same as being lonely. Added to that I am recognizing that I am really only lonely when I make the choice to be.

A few years ago my very good friend Chloe and I had a huge fight, it was the biggest fight I’d ever had with a friend. Recently I set out deliberately to find her, because although things had not been smooth between us for many years I am starting to know the difference between best friends and true friends. It sounds so strange to say that, at thirty years old. The truth is true friends are not always the ones you are the closest to, and best friends are most certainly not the ones you would always call a true friend. Chloe falls into the middle of that, she is both my best friend and my closest friends. With her I have no shame, no fear and no secrets.

It was Chloe that I was discussing relationships with a few weeks ago, she told me to “Be better bait” which at first I didn’t understand. Until she explained.

If you set out deliberately trying to find love it will always confound you and you will take whatever comes along just so you are no longer lonely  If you live your life and wait for the one who is willing to chase you, who sees your worth and wants you in his life then you will have found what you were looking for.

Right now I can honestly say I am not looking for a relationship (I think I’ve said this before but I am pretty sure I was full of shit. ) I’m really not this time. With everything going on with skin n bones I don’t have time to date. When summer comes and we begin the process of finding models and working on the calendar and the other juicy projects I can’t wait to dig in on, I’d rather be lonely by myself than be in an relationship and be alone.

My birthday is in four days and I have to tell you…I’m not that excited. I always was in the past, I’d get crazy excited about my birthday and hope to be surrounded by people who loved me, instead I ended up surrounded by people who were mostly drunk and annoying.

This year probably will be different, because I’ll have celebrations with friends and family. Skin n Bones is throwing me a party which is cool, but I’m more excited to chill with my friends then worry about what I’m going to get.

Thats another thing, everyone keeps asking me what I want for my birthday -sigh- what I want is to not be turning 30, to have something to show for all these years on this earth. I would like to own a house and know that my mother and my brother are taken care of. I’d like a yard for my dog to run in, and thats it.

In the past I wanted cars, money clothes, whatever “things” I could get my hands on, maybe I’m maturing but seriously theres only so much crap you can stuff into a place before your just sick of seeing crap. I should know my mother has a museums worth of shoes.

All I want this year is to hang with some friends, have a good laugh and enjoy the night. So thats it thats whats up this week. A new lesson learned and yet another piece of the puzzle in finding the Ohna.

 

S

Share Button

Posted in hope | 2 Comments »

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
March 31st, 2013

There I was, Here I am

Everyone wants to know how I am doing, how do you answer that? How do you say “I opened my heart up and had it thrown in my face”. Some people think that because I never met him it shouldn’t matter. What they don’t understand is that it was never about Him. Not really.

He’s just another spokesperson for why I shy away from all things love.  In other news the wall is back up I’m alive, working hard on Skin n Bones, about to go sue a church in a couple of weeks, life is………Life.

Alright heres an edit because that post wasn’t really fair was it?

I am growing up finally. I am about to turn 30 in a few weeks actually less then two and frankly I am finding that I am not afraid any more.

I am finding myself being more honest with both my friends, my family and even my current lover..if you can call him that. I enjoy spending time with him, we talk alot, we flirt more, we do other things, the things lovers do.

He makes me smile, feel special and he fucks like a god damn bull.

He’s amazing. I am not eagerly awaiting the day he will walk away, or I do but I am certain now that I am putting words down the countdown has begun.

There is a part of me that wants to ask how “He” is, another part that doesn’t care. I realize now whatever his reasons for ruining what we had, what we were beginning and worse what I was allowing myself to feel the way he ended things was wrong. To tell me that I wasn’t worth fighting for, that I was easy to walk away from? That is not an okay way to end things. Not for someone you care about, it was petty and cruel and it was mean. That is okay though, I see it now for what it is. A lonely sad man wanting to hurt someone because he was hurting, fine I get it, moving on.

I am stronger now than I was six months ago, hell three months ago and damn sure stronger then I was the first time I was punched, kicked or worse. In the last few months and even weeks I have become this pearl of wisdom, this fountain of knowledge and I am soaking up more on a daily basis. I feel strong, less confidant but strong. I feel wise, less silly and goofy. I am curious now about people and life and things…maybe it is just spring fever, I don’t know.

What I do know is that birds are singing life is budding all around me and I am excited for what the next few months will bring and take into and from my life.

I apologize for the long absence, I’ll try not to let it happen again.

Syn

 

 

Share Button

Posted in hope | 1 Comment »

March 1st, 2013

My Champion

perfect-guy-3I honestly believe that the desire to be with one partner your entire life is a learned behavior, it is the only explanation for the global divorce rate.

Recently during a flirtation I suppose is the best word, I was told that the relationship I was hoping to build would be too difficult to maintain.

Forgetting how much that hurts for a moment, it occurs to me that all relationships take work, if it isn’t distance it’s learning to put up with someone else’s crazy every single day of your life for the next fifty years.

People I know who have been apart of successful marriages tell me that it takes work – that you have to be learn to balance your needs with the needs of your partner and then your family. Some people say you put your partner first, others your children, I think that if you want to be part of a successful couple you have to learn what works best for you and your partner, no one can tell you how to make your relationship work.

Since the last guy I was into unceremoniously told me that our “relationship” if you can call it that, was simply too hard to maintain, I have been putting some serious thought into my past relationships and I have found the pattern, at long last.

It only took me twenty-nine years.

In the past I have dated men who had some or most of the following:

  • Wanted a mother type figure to take care of them – Sorry boys I have enough people to take care of in my life. 
  • Wanted attention -all- the time, no matter who I was with, if I was not 100% focused on the boy, I was doing something wrong.
  • Wanted to control me but didn’t understand how so instead tried to smother me
  • Could say all the right things but couldn’t back up what they were saying
  • Easily and effectively isolated me from my friendships and support group
  • Backed off the moment I got even remotely close or attached to them
  • Did not think I was worth fighting for, or see any value in me as an individual except when it benifited them.

Not one of the men in my past relationships *and by this I mean physical real actually here relationships* has ever done anything remotely romantic for me, and when they did it was always self serving.

You know what I realized tonight? It isn’t me! It really is them! WHAT A RELIEF!

The truth is that I am in every sense of the phrase a Fire Element, which means I am incredibly strong, I mean hell look at everything I’ve been through, all the rapes the sexual assaults, the beatings the emotionally draining torture, I’ve seen and done it all and I am still here. There is very little I can’t handle and yes sometimes I forget that, sometimes I break down and cry and scream and curse the God’s but the truth is I am really truly very strong, however it means that finding a partner is very difficult. For some reason I am attracted to weak men.

Actually that is a misnomer, I know exactly why. Strong as I am, I am also a care taker, I take care of a lot of the people in my every day life, my mom my friends and even people I work with at the church, I spend a great deal of time not focusing on what I need in my life let alone my relationships.

So with all that being said and figured out what is it a woman like me seeks in a man? The answer is actually really simple.

I am looking for a man who can stand up to me, who won’t back down when things get emotional or even scary, a man who can take my bullshit and stand there staring at me and either verbally or silently has the balls to say “okay are you done yet?” I am looking for a man who is my equal partner in every way, and that really is not easy to find.

To me a successful relationship is going to be very much like a dance – where both partners know what to expect from each other. Part of this means that I need to learn to let my guards down and trust a little, but the man who’s going to win my heart and put a ring on my finger is going to think I’m worth sticking around for, he is going to understand that I have been through a lot and that trusting is hard, and he is going to show me with his actions not his words that he isn’t going anywhere.

He is going to smile at me kiss me on the head and say “Stop being stupid, I’m not leaving and your just going to have to suck it up and deal with that”. He is going to understand that I don’t know shit about adult relationships because frankly I’ve been dating boys all this time instead of men.

He is going to be my Champion, my shoulder to cry on and you know what else? He’s not going to take my shit. He’s going to tell me when I am being stupid and know that while I may not like it I’ll respect it. He’s going to have the balls to stand up to me and the heart to let me see when he needs to lean on me for a little.

I’m not just looking for any man, I know this for sure now, I am looking for my soul-mate and he’s out there. I haven’t found him yet but I will because I know that there is nothing about this Fire Element that can settle for less. After everything I have been through I deserve my perfect man, whatever he looks like, however much money he has none of that matters because it’s so much more then “love will see us through” we will work together as a team. I’m waiting for my “Mr. Big” I am Carry Fucking Bradshaw *okay without the fucking cause it’s been that long* but here we go. The Quest for the Champion begins right now.

He’s out there somewhere, and baby I’m ready to rock and roll and find my man.

For the record I know how all this sounds and you know what?! I do not Care!

S

 

Share Button

Posted in love | 2 Comments »

Tags: , , , , , ,
February 27th, 2013

Heres the Deal

Okay enough of keeping secrets. I have kept my mouth shut for the better part of ten years and all it has done is caused a darkness inside of me that cannot really be healed.

I have written a couple of times about the fact that I am suing a church. If you go to the Church’s website this is the first thing you see:

Christ The King Lutheran Church proclaims the simple Gospel stated by our Saviour and Lord Jesus Christ who said “I am the way, the truth, and the life, no one comes to the Father except through Me.” Our understanding is it is not enough to merely claim the reality of His statement since He also wants us to proclaim it to others. Therefore, our National Church is right when it asks us to be in mission for others. We are an Evangelizing Church, and take seriously our task of education at all levels, as well as our obligation to support social ministry.

There is a twisted bit of irony in that.

The building that CTK operates out of also has many other groups that use the building, one of which is Surrey Urban Mission.

For the last eight years my mom has run SUMS, turning it into an organization any city should and is proud of. In the last eight years SUMS has the proud honor of claiming numerous groups from around North America coming to visit to do service work. CTK cannot claim that.

Every Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Saturday a hot meal is served, Sums also has a free daycamp which often boasts over a hundred children, they do womens programs, youth programs, the list is endless. CTK has participated in none of these things.

I remember once telling one of the men of the congregation that if it were not for my mother CTK wouldn’t even exist, he agreed on not one but two separate occasions.

I am offended by what I see on their website, I am offended at the fact that my mother has worked her fingers to the bone making contacts and turning SUMS into something the entire city should be thanking her for and she has to deal with the amount of shit that CTK doles out.

This is the Church I am suing. Why? Because they are awful people. The chances I will win my case are slim to none, but that doesn’t even matter it isn’t about the money it is about and has always been about standing up for what is right.

For some reason people are afraid of these awful men and women, they get away with treating people like crap, they are rude, the Pastor has been heard several times over the last eight years uttering racial slurs and jokes, he has been witnessed pushing a homeless cancer patient while yelling at the same poor man.

He has been accused of kicking a man in the head – though I can neither confirm nor deny this as fact, I can say that knowing the man as I do I wouldn’t doubt it.

On a regular basis the current Pastor will stand up on the pulpit and tell his congregation of twelve or so members lie after lie, he will read from his favorite newspaper. Last Sunday he had his Pastoral Assistant, who is not even a pastor, do the entire service.

Even though I do not go to Church any more this offends me, strictly because I was raised Catholic and this is just not how a church is supposed to behave, let alone a Pastor.

A few weeks ago he got mad at my mom and in front of plenty of witnesses got in her face and started shaking his fist at her while yelling at her. Who the fucks yells and screams at a woman in a wheelchair? I am sad to say I was not there to witness this personally, he is being reviewed at the moment but I doubt he’ll face any punishment, as he never has before.

The Secretary herself told me that the reason they cancelled my dance was because they do not support homosexuality, and knowing Canadian law as I do they will probably win. I don’t care about that, what I do care about however is making damned sure I do not go down without a fight.

I have seen person after person sit there and shake their heads in disgust at what happens within the confines of CTK’s building and no one does anything about it. I am certain, without any doubt I will get into trouble for this post but I have had enough.

I am a human being I love my fellow human beings, I do not tolerate hatred or demoralization of humans based on race, sex, creed, sexual orientation or any other stupid back water reason. I am going to put this into the Universe and take whatever consequences come my way.

If you WOULD like to help out however You can search “Surrey Urban Mission” in google and see just how much this organization has done for the city of Surrey BC. I assure you, you will find a grave difference between SUMS and CTK.

S

 

Share Button

Posted in hope | No Comments »

February 25th, 2013

Life

bannerfans_6411234I am not going to pretend that I am honored to have been nominated by NinjaMatics because lets get real, I nominated myself. I have learned in my life if I want anything, I am going to have to get it myself because no one is going to just say “Wow we love you enough to nominate you for an award” or “your awesome enough that we want to do something for you” because well really no one ever has before.

No one has ever stood up for me, fought for me or worked to get my attention. I have learned that I am one of those people who slips in and out of lives rarely noticed when I’m there and often forgotten before I am gone.

This is not me feeling sorry for myself it just is what it is, it is how it has always been, and probably how it will always be. Friends who have had the true blessing of being brought into my inner circle either don’t realize how important they are to me, or don’t notice that by bringing them into my aforementioned inner circle I am affirming my love of them.

With all that being said it is kind of cool that the judges thought my blog worthy enough to link to, but to be perfectly honest I don’t expect I’ll win. In fact after looking at some of the other writers nominated in the Life Category I pretty much know how it is going to go down, I’m fairly certain of who is going to win (and no this isn’t a please let me win post).

Some of you may read this and begin to think I have little to no confidence in myself, but in reality I just know what I am capable of. I know that I will go on to continue to do great things and I know that those great things will be admired but the person behind the achievement  She will go ignored.

Today I was called a Trail Blazer  I was told that I do things out of the ordinary and expect nothing in return, this is true. It isn’t because I am a golden heart’ed soul it is because I have lived my life with nothing. That which I have that means anything to me, my camera, my laptop and most importantly my dog are things I earned, things I worked for and continue to work for every day.

No one has ever come up to me and said “hey you there, you deserve this and we love you so here you go” and no one is ever likely to do so.

When I conceived Radio Free Voice that was for myself, it was my way of literally trying to find my voice – I did that. I achieved that goal, I said goodbye and I moved on. There have been talks of bringing it back but it’s unlikely, because it’s already been done, and done better than anyone else could have done it. My numbers proved that within the first six months.

When I came up with Skin n Bones it was two am, and I was bored and angry at the things I was seeing young kids going through, I was pissed off they thought killing themselves was a better idea then trying to find some sense of happiness. I did this, I created this and within just a few weeks there are so many people trying to tear it down and take credit for my work I have to smile to myself.

They say the sincerest form of flattery is imitation well in that case baby I am a fucking Rock Star. I’m the female Gene Simmons in the making, there is no stopping me now.

Okay maybe not quite to that extent, my purpose in life isn’t world monetary domination, its world inspiration or something. I’d like to die and look back knowing I left the world in a better condition when I came into it, I’d like to live my life knowing that people were inspired by my site, my stories and my experience.

I’d like to know that I waded through hell and that it meant something, but chances are high that is never going to happen – that’s okay, I don’t need people to tell me I inspire them. I know it every day when I look up and see how many people are joining the SnBG army. That is enough for me. To know that there are people still being kind to each other, to know that there are people who love each other regardless of race, sexual orientation, creed, religion or sex. I know this because I see it every day when I go to twitter to find inspiration. So thanks for letting me know that I have officially been added to the list of would be winners, but the truth is, I’m already a winner.

S

 

Share Button

Posted in Life | No Comments »

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
February 23rd, 2013

The power of Choice

The thing about being lonely is that it does not go away unless you make the choice to fight it.

Like any demon; fear hatred hurt sadness regret suffering pain, you have to pick up your sword and find a way to fight it. The trick about these emotional demons is that they often convince you that you have no way out, no escape, that you are not strong enough to fight them.

When I think about my recovery I realize more and more that I am in a sense fighting these emotional demons who have for so long convinced me that I deserve to suffer, to be punished for crimes I have not committed.

 

“Only Thing We Have to Fear Is Fear Itself”

~Franklin D Roosevelt

 

A lot of people in my former recovery group have told me “people in recovery are sick” but they never understand how to finish the sentence. “People in recovery are sick until they realize they need to stop worrying about picking up the bottle and start learning to pick up the sword”

Everyone I know in recovery is convinced that as long as you do not pick up, you can say your sober your healthy, your cured.

It is so much deeper than that, it is so much more complex then refusing to pick up a pill or a drink, it is about focusing on what it is that makes you want to pick up – peeling back the layers and seeing the demon for what it is.

So now that you know what it is you are actually fighting, you have two choices;

You can sit on your ass, whine and cry about how much your life sucks, or alternatively you can get up and do something about it.

“If you want to be somebody,

If you want to go somewhere,

You Better Wake Up and Pay Attention”

One of the other things we learn in recovery is that if you ever want your life to be better you have to live it for others, you get out of the Universe what you put into it. If you want to have a happy healthy life, then you have to actually work to make that happen and it should not be about making money and getting through the day.

You have to find something you are passionate about that helps other people – if I’ve learned anything in the last five years this is the most important lesson I can pass on.

“Never start a project with the idea of making money,

Start it with a desire to change the world.”

I want to leave the world in better condition then when I came into it. So many of us think that way but few of us have the courage to take action to make that happen. The world is filled with people who live and who die, and do very little in between those two occasions. You can decide to be lonely for the rest of your life, or you can find something you are passionate about and see where that road takes you.

The lesson of the day isn’t about inspiring you to do something to help others, its about showing you that through helping others you can help yourself.

Today’s lesson is simple: Choose! Make a choice, and be ready to live with the consequences, because the only thing that we have in this entire world that matters, that means anything, is Freedom Of Choice, The Power of Choice

Here is to hoping that you choose well.

S

 

 

Share Button

Posted in wisdom | No Comments »

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
February 20th, 2013

Fear of love le deux

Beautiful Thing, groundbreaking gay play, to enjoy West End revivalThere are some people out there that are afraid of everything, some that are afraid of nothing and then there are those who are afraid of the irrational, like myself.

For instance I am terrified of the word ‘Beautiful” I cannot hear it without inwardly cringing inside because every time a male counterpart has ever used that word, it usually ended up with me being broken and bruised either physically or emotionally.

I am also afraid of the words “I love you”. I can use them but I take great issue with hearing them, mostly because I haven’t heard them enough in my life.

I suppose that is why the situation I am in currently hurts so much. I am starting to see a pattern in my life that I am finding devastatingly heart breaking.

I no longer go for the bad guy, or the guy who treats me like crap – Instead in the last year or so I have been leaning more toward the men that are very good at convincing the world they are the “good guy”.

Take my New years eve date for instance:

N and I had been friends for the better part of two years, he had seen me through the best and the worst of my recovery and he was the person that kept bringing me back, convincing me to stick it out. 

Finally we decided to go to the New Years NA dance together, as a couple. I was very excited. I got a great outfit, spent a ton getting my hair done, I was thrilled – because not only was I going with someone I respected but genuinely liked. 

The day of the dance he calls me to tell me he isn’t going to make it to dinner, because he’d been up with his son all night long, okay that I can understand. 

During my hair appointment he “lets it slip” that the real reason he wasn’t going to make it to dinner, was because he thought he would be spending the day with his new girlfriend. 

I was shocked hurt and angry and when I expressed this to him his response was “That’s the way the world goes sometimes”…Seriously? I can’t make this shit up. 

 

In the most recent case of dating and relationship disasters something happened and regardless of the other parties responsibility, I find myself wondering what is wrong with me, wondering why I am not good enough for him. What did I do to make him decide that our relationship was great and all, just not great enough to make work? What could I have done differently?

This is the trouble with self reflection, even when there is nothing you could have done to change the outcome of a given situation, you have already trained yourself to ask the question, “what could I have done better?”

Especially in the case of someone who has a) not been loved enough and b) has seen far too many people walk out of her life.

So the question is what the hell do you do now? When someone you love claims to care about you but isn’t interested in perusing a relationship because of what may or may not happen, what do you do to end the pain and move on with your life in a more positive light filled way?

You cry, you feel sorry for yourself, you eat lots of chocolate and go out for wine filled drinks with friends and then you move on. Once the grieving has stopped you  move on with your life and wait for the next opportunity or go out of your way to find it.

In my particular case I am so used to disappointment and heart break I feel almost guilty for refusing to sit on my ass for the next six months wondering why he didn’t love me enough, as hurt as I am, as much as it stings.

As much as I would love to wallow, I am yet again starting over. I am yet again rebuilding my confidence shred by pathetic shred and I am going to pretend it doesn’t hurt, I am going to “fake it until I make it” because I have come too far to let this break me.

I won’t deny it will hurt for a long time, I can even admit it has pushed me back in my emotional recovery, but it is another lesson learned.

My only fear at this point, is how bitter is this newest hurt going to make me? I pray that I will somehow find the strength not to push people away like I have in the past out of fear. I hope that I can move on from this experience better informed and a little more careful but a little more welcoming to love when it finally does come my way.

S

Share Button

Posted in fear, hope | 2 Comments »

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
« Older Entries